Should You Cut Off Contact with people who disrespects you?

Respect is a universal behavioral practice that is expressed differently from culture to culture. It signifies an acknowledgment of one's inalienable rights. This globally prescribed behavior is shown to a person, place or thing considered to have an esteemed position in one's culture/society (The Vatican, for example), a reverenced quality that one offers such as a judgment, an opinion, point of view, level of experience in a particular area or even for merely existing and providing a unique offering such as the Planet Earth.

Human beings are taught the basic concepts of respect as a process of child rearing which then becomes ingrained into our moral values as adults. Rules such as; don't talk back to your elders, don't make fun of people with disabilities or Listen to your older sibling are examples of basic socially acceptable behaviors that is rooted in the foundation of being respectful.

So, a person who continuously decides to treat another person in such a manner that disregards their rights to be acknowledged as an individual member of society with meaningful contributions, is a person who is making a conscious determination of another's worth as they see it. The impact of this behavior to the offended party carries serious short and long term ramifications to one's feelings of self esteem, self worth and image. Being continuously disrespected undermines a person's intelligence and their ability to function competently since reactions to disrespect can range from anxiety, timidity, confrontation, frustration, anger and physical retaliation. All of which will lead to lower performance levels in any life capacity and negative mental and physical health. Some people unfortunately find themselves in difficult circumstances where dealing with disrespectful people is unavoidable and may have to be endured for a time. For instance, difficult scenarios include a boss or co-worker who undermines your authority at work, a spouse who is abusive or a parent who continuously disrespects a child. In these circumstances, strict boundaries should be set to limit the assaults while preparing a plan to remove yourself from the situation. However, the goal is to cut off all contact for self-preservation. Respect begins with an individual commitment to self. A person with a high level of self respect will not tolerate anything less from anyone else no matter what the circumstance. People are aware of society's right and wrong behaviors - ultimately we are the enforcers of which behaviors will be tolerable in our own lives.

Written for Helium.com 8/25/08

Careers: How to protest an unfair performance review

Employees have the right to disagree with their employers. Most don't because they fear the impact or implications that it may have on their future career or relationship with their current employer. People should remember that work is all about business practices and employees have rights and are protected under the law. The first thing is to know your rights as an employee in the workplace. Make sure you read and become intimately familiar with your job's employee handbook. There may be valuable information as to how you can go about disputing or correcting unfair blemishes on your record. The Human Resources (HR) department can explain how the process works, but in some companies the HR department is the tool for management and may not get you anywhere. Determine if you can speak confidentially to HR and if not seek advice from an outside HR entity. The second most important resource for an employee is the Department of Labor website for your state. There are many tips and laws that you should be aware of that employers can and will break if they are not held accountable. Just because you are the employee and are depending on the income from your paycheck to meet certain needs doesn't mean you are in an inferior position to your employer. It is a partnership and you should always approach it as such. You may be replaceable, but you must be respectable at all times. Let them know that you are aware of your rights. Third, all conversations and actions should be done in writing. You have just as much access to your file as your employer does. You can ask to see your file and you can request correspondence that you write to your employer be inserted into your file. If you get an unfair performance review, you can write your comments/explanations about it and have it inserted into your file. Some employers allow you to comment on your review, some reviews are one sided - but you can always write your own rebuttal and have it filed. Lastly, keep it entirely professional. Don't take it personally although it may be difficult to not take a criticism as a personal attack. There are many factors that can play into why you did not receive a stellar review, but you should always maintain your composure. Some employers use their knowledge of business practices and their employees ignorance of it to their advantage. Stay abreast on your industry and don't be afraid to negotiate your career. Ultimately, its your job to do so, not your employer's.

Originally written for Helium.com

The secret to getting married (if the choice of mate doesn't matter)

Do it while you're young and stupid, you won't know what you're doing or why. You'll be living out your socialized identity without respect to who you will become once you are in your right adult mind. Marriage while young and dumb seems to stunt mental growth, so coming into yourself takes longer especially if you decide to have kids. You have to neglect your needs and desires to place the needs of your family first because that's what you been taught, right. Plus you'll have help from your family why? because you'll be young and they'll know that you need the help. Maybe you have to find a job, finish school, want to start your career, but you have to work so you can pay bills and the babysitter and the after school program so you can do your thing - IF you ever get to it since you'll be tired all the time.
Why do you think men want to marry women while they are young - because young girls work so hard to impress and prove how grown they are. They will do what they can to keep their man from looking at other chicks. (almost) Every young girl's dream is to find a man to marry and live happily ever after. Why do you think grown men like messing around with younger chicks? Cause they can mold you and impress you with simple things like jewelry or a weekend trip to the Poconos. They know what you want to hear - cliche messages that the cosmopolitan magazine quiz says he'll say if he really loves you.
The older women get, the more annoying and one dimensional most men become. It becomes harder to find a man with less transparent bullshit and more grown and sexy substance. The one thing I can offer in this regard is to be who you want to attract. If you want confident - then be it. If you want funny, then be it. If you want sexy, then be it, just be sure its really who you are. Everyone can spot a fake. You can't ask for what you cannot offer up and then some. (if you want to earn respect from your mate in most cases).
So there you have it, the secret ladies to getting married is do it while you're young and dumb, before you start thinking beyond what society taught you what being a woman means. There are some women whose goal in life is to get married and have kids - mainly because that's what their families were all about. Some say you are not a true woman unless you have had a child. Everyone has their own ideology about the subject, but single women are blessed with the freedom of choice, movement and happiness to be what we want when we want and no one can tell us different.
Now I'm not saying we don't need or want a man - I am a believer in couple hood and marriage - BUT, speaking in my grown and sexy voice - the longer you stay single, the more wiser your choice in choosing a mate! Live your Life, Be in Love with yourself and who you attract will reflect who you are at your core. Don't waste your time looking for love, spend your time finding yourself. Happy Hunting Ladies!!

originally published 11/5/2005

What's In A Smile

We do things without knowing why we do them like look down when we pass a group of people or lower the tone of our voice as we're getting ready to hang up the phone from a conversation, by the time we reach 'goodbye' our voice is at a full blown whisper. I know there are some smart asses out there that's saying "i don't do that" ok - well I'm not talking about you - but there are folks that know what I'm talking about here.
This brings me to the concept of smiling. We are taught that it is polite to smile. That a smile shows a sign of friendliness or is a disarming mechanism that makes folks more comfortable to be around you. Its a sign that you are easy going or non threatening. Well, do you ever wonder the message that people who don't smile are trying to convey.
I hate it when I walk down the street and guys say to me - you should smile more often, or why don't you smile. I say to that - smile about what, there's nothing funny or nothing to smile about. Smiling put people at ease in an instant, yet not smiling tells folks they should keep their distance or that something is wrong. Do you think people that don't smile are really afraid inside to let people close or to invite people to talk to them. Its their way of creating distance. Or people that don't smile are those that want everyone to know they cannot be messed with and use it as a warning to keep your distance. Or yet again, not smiling is a sign of unhappiness with oneself and life in general. The inability to be lighthearted and can be a recipe for depression or heavy burdensome issues so you stay away.
Smiling can also be deceptive. You can smile and disrespect someone with a smile on your face. You can smile and lure someone in , gain their trust and then stab them in the back - with a smile of course.
So look at a smile carefully. All smiles are not created equally. You can tell when its a heartfelt smile or if its a mask smile. A smile isn't a smile unless you feel it from the heart and see happiness in the eyes. Otherwise the smile is nothing but a learned reaction with little meaning intended. Use your smile wisely and spread happiness intentionally. Smile wide if you feel me!
farewell.

originally published 11/10/2005

Publisher's note: still smiling.

The Power of Will

Sometimes when I'm in a present state of mind I remember that I am in control of my own destiny. I understand that what happens in my life happens because of the choices I made and the motions I put forth comes back to me and as a result I have my own reality.
It kills me when I hear folks complain about their situation as though they had nothing to do with it. As though life is just happening to them without their input. It just doesn't work that way. Even a non response is a response of acquiescence - a silent submission. It is to our detriment to not know this or to ignore this fact.
When ever you get a moment - play with your will power. Watch the kind of power you have over the simple things in your life and then apply that thinking to long term goals. Here's how I play with myself sometimes (nasty - you know who you are!). I create a simple goal like - I won't eat any cheese today. Since I am a cheese lover, this task is not easy to do. It requires me to be conscious of my goal at every eating moment and to honor my own request.
Alot of times we don't honor the goals we set up for ourselves because we think - ah- its only me. I can do it some other time. But we must honor our own thoughts, feelings and goals - because no one else will and when you decide to look up one day and see what progress you have made in your life - its not what or where it could have been if you had only made yourself important enough to do as you say you will do.
So back to my cheese ordeal - my tummy is full of cheese - all kinds, American, Swiss, extra sharp Cheddar, mozzarella, smoked Gouda, blue, brie, Munster - I love it. So when I open my fridge it stares at me waiting for me to pick it up and cut a slice. My usual reaction to this enticement is to take the whole block, a sharp pairing knife and cuddle up on my couch with my cheese until its gone. On this day of will power - i fight against that urge honoring my own request and what usually happens is I make many trips to the fridge to just look at the cheese. I'll eat other things in place of the cheese, but nothing ever seems to satisfy my taste buds and my mind keeps going back to the cheese. Here is where I notice the mind game and exercise my will power - who wins is the interesting part. Sometimes me sometimes not me, but I can't blame the loss to anything other than my lack of will power against myself.
You can play this game with anything and see how you react to your own discipline. Its great mental exercises and it keeps you responsible for your decisions. You never feel short changed, taken advantage of or left out on the stoop of your life if you just learn to take a stand in integrity and do as you say you will do. Your mastery of will power will strengthen over time - its not hard but its not easy. enjoy!

originally published 11/5/05

Editors update: I've controlled my cheese addiction. 7/08 :-)

Looking for love in all the wrong places

This will be a short one - just something I'd like to get off my chest.
I have a long way to go before I feel like I am in a place where I want to settle down and create a family. After some conversations with my friend Dan, who is somewhat in the same place as I - we came to the conclusion that a significant other is only significant if they provide you with the necessary support you need in order to continue doing what you want to do in life.
This came about by me saying that a potential significant of mine will have to be employed and stable (not just financially, but emotionally and spiritually as well), he will have to be able to work towards a lifestyle that is mutually agreed upon. Yet his argument was that it's not about the money, that if a person you grow feelings for happens to be unemployed, but has passion and drive to obtain a goal then they can be worked with.
I don't know about anyone else, but I have passed the stage of supporting a partner through unemployment or carrying the relationship financially because my man is always broke. I think I've been traumatized by being smooched on, taken for granted and used. I'm not by any means looking to get repaid by imposing unrealistic demands on my future men, however I do enjoy a certain level of tradition when it comes to relationships, one of them being a man who feels protective of me and who enjoys taking care of me every now and again.
I'm no miser either, I am a reciprocal lover. I like to show my appreciation in the form of gifts and outings every once in a while and I don't hold my tongue when it comes to praise and an occasional ego stroke. So am I wrong for wanting a semi traditional modern metro sexual to spend time with. I think not! But i tell you, its difficult to find one with a balance of these characteristics. I've found those who were Too metro - they might as well have been Gay. Or too traditional - which kept me looking over my shoulder for the club he would soon pull out to claim me as property.
I just chalk it up to 'its just not time', I'm not ripe for love - so while on my journey down 'doing me my way' road I will only believe that a well balanced man is out there getting his scales just right for our chance meeting. Hopefully by the time someone suitable appears, I'm not so set in my ways that my road becomes 'my way or the highway' - that's very possible too! Talk amongst yourselves...

originally published 11/25/2005:

Editor's Note - my views on love since the initial posting has evolved slightly. If the one I love has suddenly become unemployed, I would be happy to support him through the occasion, whether to help build a business, take a break or fuel a passion (within the limits of our budget and life circumstance of course). But, being habitually unemployed with no attempts to stabilize just won't cut it. period.

A Rose That Grows From Concrete

My title spawned from a posting at my friend's blog. She is a frustrated teacher who went in to the profession with high hopes helping youth and realized that some folks just don't want the help. This phenomenon is a widespread symptom of the feeling of defeat. It's specifically present in low-income neighborhoods where people feel like they've been beaten to the ground with no way to go. Even when help is present, the thought of having to do any amount of work to reach a goal or realize a dream is daunting. Having to deal with figuring out where your next meal is coming from, or how your rent is going to get paid, or if your lights will be on when you get in from work takes so much essential energy that spending your time thinking about becoming that engineer or professional dancer seems like nonsense. They need NOW...and dreaming of long term goals is not helping the NOW. So plans become short term - let me go to work today so I can pay my bills at the end of the week. Who has time to dream when reality is always dead smack in your face.
Whether it's an issue of proper planning or building a resilient spirit - finding a kid coming from this type of background with the determination to make it out of the low-income mentality is like finding a rose growing out of concrete. The diamonds in the roughs are those kids who are not afraid to dream big - because they still have hope that dreams do come true.
To dream is to have courage - because what a dream does for someone is it gives them the motivation to continue even when things seem to be going off course. It says 'no matter what' you will end up where you want to be. A dream is a declaration that you will be the master of your destiny by any means necessary. What responsibility you have taken on when you dream. Its no wonder folks with no means to live on a day to day basis can't or won't fathom to dream big - it can be scary and fear of failure is real. Creating a goal and working towards it is hard work on all planes (mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally) - If you dare to dream - dream big - because dreams really do come true.

originally published 11/21/2005

FOCUS MAN!

These blog entries is what's keeping me sane right now. It consists of my brainless mind chatter, random floating thoughts and horrific opinions I dare not say in the middle of a stuffy cocktail party but I think them as people tell me stories of their adorable loved ones.
I am a closet basket case as I think we all are. I wonder whose our standard for normal in this country? Normal seems to be 'he who reminds me of myself' any other diversion goes into the weird category. That's not really true, but it makes thinking really simple to categorize people in that way.
Why is it that every time my business ideas or special projects gets underway and begins to build momentum somehow outside influences has a way of becoming increasingly demanding so as to bring me to a point where i feel i have to choose between on or the other. And its always big issues, but then I feel like I'm setting myself back. But my family needs me, or either i help or the situation becomes desperate - its always a tough decision - but no more. I realize that this is just how it is going to be and in order for progress towards my goals to take place then i need to be selfish without guilt of focusing on myself and having my future in mind.
Ultimately its your life and you have to live it knowing you made your best attempts at reaching your dreams. Divisive tactics will come from every angle just to test you and see if you are really committed to your own success. If you are not, diverting your attention will be shamefully easy. If you are, you will have to make some very hard decisions and it may be the least popular among your family and friends. But the courage to live out your dreams ultimately lies with you.
Encouragement is a treat - savor it and count your blessings. It's truly a gift to have someone who wants to see you succeed. For the rest of us who must overcome doubtful energies, selfish and demanding family members, parents that don't understand why you don't just get a postal job with benefits, a jealous spouse or an insecure friend who wants your free time unconditionally - Focus and the courage to follow your dreams are the essential ingredients to living outloud and standing in integrity with your thoughts. Remember life is what you make - don't let someone or something take it away from you. Focus Mayun!

originally published 11/15/2005

Implied Obligations: A guilty state of mind

Just want to share with the outside world that you are not obligated to do anything you think you are supposed to do with the exceptions of a few things. If you bring a kid in this world, you are obligated to raise it until it reaches legal age. This only includes feeding it, clothing it and keeping it alive - everything else is your choice. You are obligated to do what you say you are going to do in all instances, otherwise - why say it. But you are not obligated to go to the bathroom with your girlfriend because she is your friend, or to pick up the phone if it rings because someone is looking for you or babysit for your cousin because you don't have kids and according to someone else - need to have some in your life.
We all make choices in our lives because its how we want our life to play out, but when folks find a way to impose their beliefs into our lives it simply helps us strengthen our boundaries. When someone says, you're getting old, you need to get married soon or have babies soon, or why don't you buy a bike and ride with me or you should get a T-mobile account so we can talk for free - notice that its all for selfish reasons. Its all for others to benefit from you making that choice than from you making that choice for your own good.
Just because someone asks something of you - you are not obligated to comply. Just because someone offers advice, you are not obligated to follow. Just because its family doesn't mean its right, true or obliged. Make decisions that are in your own best interest no matter who it may upset or turn off. Ultimately your happiness and health is what matters in this world. If helping others negatively impacts your state of mind or health - then don't do it. Stress kills - be true to your spirit.

originally published 11/14/2005

No Plan B !!

I recognize that life's experiences are the ultimate personalized gift from God. Every situation, friend, lover and enemy are present to strengthen areas in you needed for growth and wisdom.So next time you think of your life, know that everything is perfect and is as it should be. No matter how difficult things may seem, always look for the lessons in your experiences. A difficult friend may be reflecting your inner feelings and may be helping you confront your thoughts more than you know.An ambivalent lover might be giving you the space to think twice before making a mistake, no matter how compatible you think the two of you are. A family filled with drama may be helping you strengthen your will and patience for life's challenges.A less than stellar upbringing can serve to help you appreciate all the wonderful simplicities life has to offer, like a smile, a friendly face, a flower or an inspiring scent.A failed attempt is just a springboard being built that is not yet complete. A dead end is nothing more than a hidden door you have yet to find. Jealous eyes, a bold face lie and other energies that cause static, is an opportunity to go into combat with love and compassion as your weapons. Love like you've never been hurt before. Live life loud and hard. Be passionate and don't allow your thoughts or the thoughts of others to rain on your parade. Have courage to be who you are.

What Defines Your Existance?

There comes a point in everyone's life when you have to take a step back and ask yourself "Who Am I". In our material society we are accustomed to attaching our identity to things we have or people we know in order to give ourselves a sense of self worth. What happens when those things go away? Do you become someone else? Do you lose who you were and feel lost? Some of us define ourselves by what kind of job we do (I'm a lawyer, a principal, a CEO, a model), by the prestige of the places we work, by who we know, by what we can acquire, by our activities and so on and so forth. When things unexpectedly change, as life always does, will that change make you question your worth? What happens if your face becomes disfigured and you can no longer book modeling gigs, who will you become? What happens if after years of building a great work persona, for whatever reason you can no longer work there - will that change how you think of yourself? Will it change how you judged others? Can you see past these fleeting definitions that we assign to ourselves and to others? Do you really see people in your life for who they are. Can you see your friends for what they really have to offer? Love, companionship, support or compassion. Or can you only see how knowing them can benefit you or enhance your outwardly appearance? At one time or another we may have given up something real for something we thought would make us "better". But being the best, or better than, or above all is just an illusion a society like ours creates just to foster more competition. A competition from which hate, jealousy, arrogance, loneliness and anger are born. Can you accept that all humans are frail and changing - including you. Can you accept that the people that WANT to be in your life are the ones you overlook the most. Maybe they didn't live up to your ideal, or look or act the way you wanted. Maybe they didnt have enough or maybe you just wanted more from someone else. They didnt make you feel about yourself the way you want to feel. There is not a person, a job, an activity that can define who you are. When life changes like it always does - who will be left standing in your shoes? Who will be standing next to you?

Feel, Be & Stay blessed

I like to step back every once in a while to take inventory of what really matters to me in life. I've been blessed with good health, family, friends, jobs, opportunities to travel, relationships that has helped me view myself from different lenses, clear glimpses of the power of spirit and ego, feelings of love and an array of life experiences that strengthens my faith and trust in the Universal power (aka GOD, Jehova, Buddha, Krishna, Yahweh or whatever's clever for you). At my tender age, my life is full and I love every moment of consciousness. If I had to ask for anything more to enhance my life there is nothing more I can say I need, for all I have and ever had is enough to feel blessed. To be stressed, angry, frustrated, impatient, depressed, arrogant, judgmental, picky, bored, anxious, jealous is to feed your ego which further separates you from your power of spirituality. I get caught up in ego sometimes, but I work to stay conscious, alive and aware. I harbor no regrets or resentments, for all my experiences have made me who I am today - and I wouldn't trade that in for any other identity if given the chance. I love, I live and now its time to make babies...to be continued.

Peace, Love and Serenity

Simple life pleasures, all which are free,
are riddled with mass vastness, and peak mystery.
Stop moving so quickly, be conscious of thinking, when mind is recovered you may find that you're sinking,
*blinking*
is your mental vision clear?
enjoy this moment, for its sure to disappear.
Time can't be captured, the present is fleeting, to have love for yesterday is purely defeating. Life is not work, children and bills - Life is the nuturing of self, love and will.
Be happy, Be conscious, be the life you want to live! Happy Living. ~mb